What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
please come you make the beer taste better
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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