My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
