oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Randomize
