i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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