omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
