Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
