I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
