Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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