remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
