I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
