I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
