There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
