Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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