I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
