I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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