I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm too high and old for this...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
