captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
