i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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