The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
