First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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