The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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