I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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