I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
