my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
