The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
