Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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