He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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