I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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