she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
