Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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