That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
