Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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