I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
