u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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