Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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