The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
