I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
