he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
