I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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