just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
