someone threw a dead crab at me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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