lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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