In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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