So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We got so high we made milksteak
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
