i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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