I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
