we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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