So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
