Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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