How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
