You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Still dying that you shit outside
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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